When it comes to romance, I’ve never been described as smooth. Chunky-style peanut butter that has partially separated leaving you to wonder exactly what else do they put in that stuff…is a more appropriate description. I’ve watched just enough perfect moments at the two-thirds point in a crappy chick flick to know that I’ve yet to deliver one of these ‘so called’ perfect moments. When my wife committed her life to me, she was lost enough in the delusion that young love creates, to say yes.
I met the woman of my dreams when she was still a girl and my attempted facial hair did nothing short of announce my adolescence to the rest of the world. We were still in high school and both competing to be the most awkward humans on God’s green earth. As my mom liked to point out, Suzy was my “special friend.” I’m pretty sure this was not a nod at her intelligence, but her own Navajo code for “Kasey’s girlfriend that he refuses to call a girlfriend because he is a gutless chicken.” Our romance started like I think every romance should. We fumbled around each other’s personalities trying to find ways to hang out without actually admitting that we liked one another. I met Suzy in February and we perfected the art of hopeful goofy friendship sprinkled with the threat of romance for nearly six months before we threw caution to the wind and unleashed the caged passion…who am I kidding? It took me six months, a hot August night under the stars, and the entire album of Bob Seger’s greatest hits… twice… to reach over and touch her hand. For all of you poor souls out there who cheapen real love by rushing into things you shouldn’t, there is nothing that will incite the fire in a man’s soul like finally holding his girl’s hand after being afraid to attempt it for half a year. I can’t lie, there was one time a month before when we were running around the Boise River Festival and the crowd was so thick we were going to loose each other, I reached out and took her hand to keep us connected. While electric, it was also born of utility and over before it started.
This night was different. As the gravely words floated through Bob’s beard-laden soul, “some day lady you’ll accompany me,” I literally felt my resistance melt as insecurity and fear gave way to something I had never felt before. We sat there on my front porch looking out at the stars, both hoping this night would never end. I was going to leave for college in a couple days, and our conversation was swerving back and forth around every topic we could think of except the one that neither wanted to talk about. What were we? Especially now that Carl Lewis had sprinted across the good old fashioned 100th date and six months later the inevitable handhold that every true love story memorializes.
I remember thinking about a kiss, and realized that there was no way…I wasn’t even ready for the every-other-finger hand holding that would clearly indicate that we had crossed yet another line of passion. Sure enough, we started talking about me leaving town. With crystal blue and slightly wet eyes, Suzy wanted me to know that she knew I wasn’t really ready for anything yet. I am sure that in her heart of hearts she wanted me to call that idea rubbish and go all Gone with the Wind (minus the mustache…of course). After listening to Bob one more full rotation, I suggested we take a little walk over to a cow pasture that was just down the road.
As we walked away from the house, Seger was still playing into the night through an open window. With newfound confidence, I took her hand. I don’t think I could have walked taller in the moment, and the slight breeze was perfectly blowing her hair across her cute little smile. In perfect harmony, I was claiming her as my “special friend” and she was accepting an offer she had thirsted for way longer than I realized. As this perfectly timed breeze began to cool us off a little, I could see that she was a little cold. With my new found confidence, and the perfect star lit conditions I decided to take the second biggest step and put my arm around her shoulder.
Having never executed such a complicated move, I guess I rushed it a bit. My failure was immediately recognizable as her head whipped back in surprise from my pointy little elbow crushing her right in the nose. She stopped walking and thrust both hands up to her face and said, “my nose…” I think. It was a little muffled by the fact she was buckled over trying not to writhe in pain, but finding that impossible. Panic seized me as I fought to hold back laughter (my natural, nervous response), while asking if she was ok. With what sounded like anger in her voice, she asked me to check if it was bleeding…which I did. Thankfully, the moisture on her face was just her sinuses rebelling against being punched…not something broken. She regained her composure as I apologized all over myself, hoping against hope that I could have our moment back.
We eventually made it back to my house, hand in hand. As we approached the house, Bob was still playing on repeat. By this time is was desperately late, and probably best for Suzy to go home. We turned and faced each other. Our walk to the cows had included some uncomfortable talk about my need to go to college without a girlfriend. A need that I don’t really understand today, but it was extremely important at the time. She looked up at me, as we were getting ready to call it a night. I could see a depth of admiration and sincere friendship in those I eyes I had never seen before, or since. While my ability to hold hands was clearly exceptional and we had nearly forgot about the walk where I punched her in the face, her words made this night memorable. She said, “I know that you need to do what you need to do. And, I want you to know that when you have had enough time, I’ll still be here, waiting for you.”
It took me another 4 months to give her the most awkward kiss she could have ever dreamed of and the rest is history. Now, over twenty years later there is one thing that has never changed. I’ll call her from my office to let her know that I need to work late. Her response…. “You do what you need to do, I’ll be here waiting for you.”
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