Resolved

There’s nothing more American than signifying the start of a new year by pretending it is 1982 and we can throw a football over that mountain we’ve identified as the principal failure of last year.  Most of us secretly wish for greater resolve while simultaneously planning to fail before we’ve even washed the New Year’s Eve glitter off our face.  I believe that most resolutions fail for two principal reasons.  First, we never actually plan on succeeding.  Second, we don’t have a good enough motivation to be successful.    

If you read any (or perhaps every) book on making yourself better, you will see a repeating theme.  Success is found when you have a reasonable and achievable plan…and you’ve clearly defined why you are trying to accomplish your goal.  Absent a good compass, every pursuit is nearly unachievable.  It’s like that thirty-something gamer who tells you he wishes he had a wife…and is unreasonably surprised he hasn’t found one in his mom’s basement.

If an effort to make my point, I’ll share three of my resolutions this year. 

1. Be a better engineer
2. Be more fit
3. Make better Love (before you get too creeped out…it’s not about that)

Be a better engineer

When I decided that I wanted to become an engineer it was because I wanted to design the next Golden Gate Bridge.  And, while that dream is noble, it is more likely that I am called up to quarterback the 49er’s.  Little did I know the chief engineer, Joseph Strauss, was more of a politician than an engineer, and the calculations for the GGB were actually completed by a guy named Charles Ellis (who’s name didn’t even make the dedication plaque).  What I’ve realized is that a great engineer has a general understanding of everything, a detailed understanding of the things he designs, and spends more than eighty percent of his time not calculating, but instead planning, explaining, and leading. So, when I say that I want to be a better engineer, I need to be honest with myself.  I’m not going to find satisfaction in finally understanding the most effective method to dewater sludge.  It is likely to flow through finding a better way to organize myself, communicate better with my clients on the real issues, and motivating (possibly inspiring) those behind me to keep up the good fight.  Next year I have a couple significant projects that will stay on my resume for the rest of my career.  What an awesome opportunity to be resolute. 

I’ve already been talking with my team about some ideas for organizing our process and communicating with each other and the client.  Leadership?  This is where I plan to focus the most.  If I am the source of every good idea on my team…we are doomed.  I plan to empower the up-and-coming professionals in my group to actively seek their own answers, not just the ones I can think of.  I believe we have the best team in the company, and next year will be no exception. My team is going to learn new things, push themselves ahead of their peers in self-management, and create the opportunity for us to take on even greater projects next year.  My goal is simple; I need to get over my own pride and empower my teammates to be just as smart, or better than me. 

Be More Fit

As I write those words I can hear the Doritos in the cupboard calling out, “don’t forget about us.”  I’ve discovered a very important factor for me when it comes to fitness.  Most of the time when I say “fitness” I mean “Fittin’ this” butt into my “someday” pants.  My goal is almost always driven by weighing less…typically because I think I’ll look better. What I know I’ve missed is that there is almost no benefit to me being a “hotter” version of myself.  I’m already trapped (sarcasm intended) in a fantastic marriage.  While it is fun to have someone recognize me as an attractive human [except for this one time in Portland when these two ‘fellas’ let me know they did not have good intentions] it serves nearly NO purpose in my life.  When my fitness resolution is founded in something that does nothing for me…I fail.  Glazed donuts taste better than empty compliments from my mom when she notices that I cast a smaller shadow.  And, speaking a bit of truth, if my intention is to catch the eye of women who are not my wife…I am a piece of crap who should be ashamed of my lack of integrity. 

What is a good motivation?  For me… it is being strong.  I am tired of getting winded when I tie my shoes.  I hate that I nearly have a heart attack when I play frisbee with my kids.  It annoys me that my balance sucks, I wear out easily, and it takes forever to heal from the physical activity I did yesterday.  I WANT TO BE STRONG.  Strong people enjoy life more.  How am I going to get strong?  Well, it comes from two places.  First, I need to work out.  I have already spent the last two months doing at least three workouts a week that include both cardio and weights.  And…what do you know, I’m starting to enjoy that I don’t puke a lung every time I increase my pulse, and I’m up to 50 push-ups.  My wife noticed that some of my flab is starting to firm up…which is sweet…because I get to make out with her.   The second part of being strong is finding a reasonable balance with food.  If I constantly overeat, all my workout time is spent trying to burn of the extra nachos, instead of building a stronger body.  Almost every time I overeat it is with unhealthy or unbalanced foods.  Proper nutrition, especially if it is focused on increasing strength, includes a reasonable balance of protein, fats, carbohydrates, and kale (just kidding…kale is from the devil).  Instead of saying I’m going to lose weight in 2022, I’m going to get stronger in 2022. 

Make Better Love

I can’t type that phrase without envisioning a slender mustached man leaning in his double-knit polyester action slacks, gold rings on every finger shimmering as he exercises a weird line about fallen angels and breakfast.  While I think it would be fun to shake the dust off my roller-skates and Bee Gees pocket tee…I think it would better to focus on real love…not free (and frankly dirty) love.

Love, at least real love, could most easily be translated as sacrifice.  How do I make better love?  Well, I sacrifice more of myself to the advantage of others.  If it’s my wife, I spend less time whining about how I hate the literal heap of shoes by the front door, and I go encourage the kids to take care of it.  I steal her away for a quick little date.  I remember that she told me she was exhausted…and I press hold on confronting her attitude.  Every so often I just wrap my arms around her and tell her that I’m still madly in love with exactly who she is.  With my kids, I stop for a minute and be a dad.  When I get home, I am tired.  And while we are all being honest, I can’t believe how many details a teen girl can pack into a meaningless story about Sarah, a girl I’ve never even met.  Sacrificial love sets down my phone and listens to what she’s really saying, which is usually something much bigger than the fact that Sarah’s new cat is browner than our cat.  She wants to be heard, and valued, and in that moment she is acting like I am her friend (something I desperately want)…so rejecting her by shutting down the story or staring at my screen and pretending to listen, doesn’t make any love.  Rather, it sets a stage for something years from now when I am truly hurt because she doesn’t really need me anymore. If it’s my friends or my family, the scene looks the same.  Most people want to be valued, listened to, lifted up.  Making better love means I call my mom out of the blue and ask her how her week has been (something I shamefully often neglect). 

In order to stick with something like this, I definitely need a motivation.  The truth is that most relationships are destroyed by selfishness.  I want the relationships in my life to get better in 2022, which means I need to be the one initiating loving behavior…which means a bit of sacrifice.  I would clarify that if you chose to really love people, even if it is a sacrifice, it doesn’t result in loss.  To the contrary, relationships become more satisfying and real, friendships grow.  I have so many great excuses to be more selfish in the coming year and my plan is to work hard to reject that urge, and instead find ways to love other people more. 

I’ve got big goals next near, and my plan is to continually remind myself of the real motivation behind my desire to change my behavior.  I am convinced this will increase the chance I actually keep a resolution.